7. Doing the Work
I came out to my brother yesterday shortly before leaving: he was in the middle of making his morning coffee, so it was probably not the kindest thing to do to dump a pretty heavy bit of information on him with essentially no warning. He was very open, and asked the best questions: “do you want me to change how I talk about you? Were you struggling with identity and mental health before transition? Is there anything you need me to do, other than be supportive?” I continue to be very fortunate that everyone so far has been so supportive.
People I have come out to so far:
Both partners
One partner’s core friend group, including my meta and several other people
An (ex) coworker of mine (who is lame for quitting, but that’s unrelated to anything here: he is pursuing better things professionally but I’m still going to be a little salty about it)
Next year’s health insurance company (this is whole thing)
My doctor, hair removal practitioners, voice coach therapist
My older cousin
My partner’s younger sister
My partner’s younger brother and his family
My mother
My brother
People I still need to personally come out to (or chose to not come out to)
My father
My other partner’s sisterI’m out to her nowMy other partner’s mother
My friends from growing up
People in my local community (they may care since I am involved with town governance)
Work
Many of these people — although not all — are probably doing some ruminating on what this means or who I will be to them or whatever. I am inclined to be a shepherd for them through this, but I acknowledge that I can’t hold everyone’s hand the whole time. I also don’t have the tenacity to go through the same points again and again and offer the same reassurances over and over to many multiplied individual people. So, as much as I realize that I, in a real way, am burdening these people with additional work, I do not believe it is my place to do that work for them. I feel badly that I may be inconveniencing people with this, but I think I would be doing a worse long-term harm by pretending — forever — that nothing is happening.
However, I am going to take a moment to offer two good resources for people who don’t know what to do or how to think about some or all of this:
He/She/They
https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/he-she-they-schuyler-bailar/1143170680
A great blog for general information and language to think about the experience of trans people. From the description: “In He/She/They, Schuyler uses storytelling and the art of conversation to give us the essential language and context of gender, meeting everyone where they are and paving the way for understanding, acceptance, and, most importantly: connection.”
r/asktransgender
https://www.reddit.com/r/asktransgender/s/OTd25l6mO8
An online community oriented towards answering questions people might have about the trans experience. From the description: “Questions and discussions about, for, to, pr from The Reddit transgender community.”
I am also happy to answer questions when people have them (either in person or via any electronic means), although at some point I may run out of steam. Based on the overwhelmingly supportive response I’ve gotten from those I’ve come out to, I think (and hope) that everyone would feel welcome to reach out to me. And who knows: maybe someone’s questions will inspire a future post here online!