11. An Outing
Much of my coming-out experience has been on my terms on my schedule, with me acting as a sort of keeper of my own narrative. As a matter of fact, all of my coming-out — with the exception of a few people — has been through me directly telling each individual person either in person — or, in a single case, over the phone — which has made it very easy to pace myself, maintaining control over my own “outing.” However, I expect that won’t necessarily be the case for much longer.
The Closet
There are two elements required to maintain control over the pace and way my trans-ness is shared with people around me, or to staying in the closet:
Being able to not tell people, either through words, actions, or appearance, that I am not cis-gender.
Being certain that the people who do know are not going to tell other people without my consent.
Beginning with Point 2: Much like a conspiracy, the complexity of maintaining the integrity of an “in-group” is in some way inversely proportional to the number of people who are in-the-know. To say another way, the more people know, the more likely at least one of those people tells someone else — someone new. Once that happens, it pretty likely that the secret is out pretty quickly (this is usually QUITE evident when anything even remotely gossipy happens in my small town: sometimes it seems rumors break Einstein’s causality principal, where somehow their spread precedes the event they are regarding). So, to point 2 above, limiting who knows is important to making sure none of the wrong people find out.
Regarding Point 1:
Words: I don’t say it out loud, unless I am in the presence only of people I want to know. Easy enough
Actions: Don’t do something that implies (or defines) gender non-conformity or trans-ness. I’d include not just mannerisms, voice, or other affectations, but also choices like style, hair, makeup, clothing, etc. This is also easy enough, and is often referred to as “boy-moding” by trans women (i.e., operating in the mode of a boy as far as the outside world can tell).
Appearance: Although similar to actions, I’m going to focus on the physical body here, specifically regarding things that can’t be avoided or hidden if desired. For example, if I already have long hair, it’s petty hard to hide that. If I already have no beard, it’s hard to pretend I have one. If I have breasts, it’s pretty hard to pretend I don’t. This is relatively easy to handle early on, but I expect that at some point it will be impossible to continue pretending nothing has changed.
I expect words and actions would be controllable forever if I needed (or wanted) to do that. But appearance is something that necessarily must change as a part of my transition process, and that necessitates that I not be able to hide it forever. For example, I predict that, at the latest, once I have had any feature-altering surgeries — such as face-feminization surgery — I’ll be past the point-of-no-return regarding pretending nothing has changed: by then, it would be pretty obvious (and that is the point). However, I don’t think I have to wait that long for people to notice something is going on…
Already, I have has several people who don’t know I am transitioning comment that something looks different: Do I normally wear glasses? It seems bold to not have a beard in the winter! Your face looks different… maybe it’s the hair? You look like you’ve been getting more sleep! (this last one came from a fellow parent, so commentary on the drudgery of sleeplessness is expected and bonding). I know that these will become more frequent and more profound to outsiders as time goes on, regardless of whether people choose to say them aloud or not. And at some point, people will likely start talking amongst themselves: “Have you noticed that something seems different with them?” And that brings me to the outing.
The Outing
This is intentionally a double-entendre. So far, I have been successfully navigating work through mostly email, phone calls, and carefully curated web-conference calls, through all of which it is easy to minimize the effects of my transition. All of my in-person work happened in the first few weeks of hormone replacement therapy, and proceeded any laser hair removal, so those effects were in no way apparent then. However, as of this week that will no longer be the case.
Tuesday, I have an on-site visit where I will be with one other co-worker (and some clients, but that doesn’t matter); next Tuesday, I have an all-hands, everyone-in-the-same-room meeting where I will be around everyone. I expect that in each of these cases, where I will literally be going out, I don’t expect that anyone will question me directly: people are generally inclined to not be so forward. However, I do expect that at least a few people will notice that something is changing: I notice that things are changing, and it’s getting to the point where the day where I won’t be able to hide it anymore seems more like a “soon” than a “someday.”
Following this month’s work trips, I will have another trip to my childhood home where I will see my long-time friends again: they will likely notice things are starting to change, but might not seek an explanation. I very well may come out to them that week, but if I don’t I know that the number of future visits where I can avoid it will be very limited. And in the months that follow I know I will have more work trips, more town meetings, more social events, each one more likely than the last that I won’t be able to pretend that nothing is changing.
So, in a way, I, though my slow-playing coming out, am essentially setting myself up to be outing myself, not through my words or actions, but through my appearance. I don’t know if it is better or worse to be taking this approach, but it seems to be the route I am taking. But it isn’t lost on me that this path is ending, and perhaps sooner than I expected I will need to start addressing this directly with those around me… and accept that the story of my transition will soon stop being my own and will become the domain of my larger social sphere.
And, perhaps, there will be some freedom in no longer feeling like I need to be the keeper of this narrative.