18. Inviting In, Part 4

I’ve come out to my father.

Now that the suspense is over (it went fine, thank you for asking), I’ve had time to reflect a bit more on what I touched on in Part 3, where I remarked that I had started to notice a pattern to the coming-out conversations. Upon more reflection, I think I’ve noticed something else that perhaps didn’t seem as consistent before, but now I am noticing is consistent when viewed as type-groups of reactions to my coming out. That is to say, although everyone has been supportive, the way they interact with the news of my coming-out is different from person-to-person, but apparently groupable into a few different kinds:

The Intellectual

More than one person has responded with enthusiastic curiosity. It seems that although they may be surprised, their primary focus is on the practicalities of transitioning. What does it mean? What will I do differently? Do I want people to use different language around me? Names? How does transitioning work? What are the drugs involved, if any? What is it like to be on those drugs? Are there surgeries involved? What is navigating the medical establishment like? What, specifically, can they do to be supportive?

These people, so far, have all universally operated in good faith: they just don’t know what they don’t know, and want to know more. I have not felt on-trial by any of them, and I am happy to engage with their curiosity. After all, I didn’t know very much about these details until a few months ago, either.

The Ardent

Several people have responded with immediate and unadulterated support: “Congratulations!” or “That’s great news!” I imagine these people may know other people who have come out before, whose lives then became better (or at least more authentic). Although it is a bit surprising to me to hear such unwavering and uncomplicated support (it’s not as if I am announcing I got into my top-choice college, am getting married, or won the lottery or something), I appreciate (and envy, somewhat) that they can approach this kind of thing with such resolute positivity.

The Sentimental

Several people have responded with trepidatious support, usually apparently taking the form of The Ardent or The Intellectual at first. However, they usually follow-up with subtle worry: either they are concerned about my safety in the future (trans people, especially trans women, trans women of color, poor trans women of color, and poor trans women of color who engage in sex work, are all at progressively higher risk of harm), are worried about challenges I may face (social, community, professional, etc), or are worried about how I may have been feeling before now (have I been depressed? Is there something they could have done?). Some have expressed, in not so many words, subtle lamentation of what they feel may be lost (will you become a totally different person?), whereas others have felt that they may have inadvertently shut me out in some way such that I didn’t feel comfortable talking to them about this until now, or that my transition may lead me to separate myself from them somehow.

I know I am, but what are you?

For me, this process has become one where not only do I get to come to know myself better, but perhaps even more so have gotten to get pretty interesting glimpses into what drives other people’s engagement with disruption like this. Sometimes it isn’t so surprising: other trans or otherwise queer people are more inclined to just congratulate me, although not everyone who does so is queer; people who aren’t as closely entwined with my life are more likely to approach it intellectually, although this is also not universal; people who are closest to me are more likely to consider my safety and how our mutual shared lives may be affected, but not everyone who is closest to me has this focus.

And in retrospect, none of this is actually surprising. Had I been given these categories at the beginning and been charged with sorting everyone into one of those three groups, I think I would have had a much-better-than-chance success of putting people where they actually ended up.

So, in some ways, my coming out to people has actually been, in part, an opportunity for them to come out to me… at least with regards to what motivates the way they interact with the world around them.

“I trust you. It is your life ... and ... you seem to be doing your usual even handed, steady, well researched, introspective, and well supported approach to solving big picture puzzles. If you feel this is right for you then this is right for you. Just let me know what you need from me”

Dad